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entertainment.theonion.comDisgruntled Bandmates Worried Rivers Cuomo’s Wife Becoming The Fifth WeezerLOS ANGELES—Noting that she’s always present for recording sessions and has been increasingly vocal about the group’s musical direction, disgruntled bandmates of Rivers Cuomo privately complained this week that the singer’s wife, Kyoko Ito, is becoming the fifth Weezer. “There are only four Weezers—the Weezers in this band—and the last time I checked, Kyoko is not a Weezer,” complained longtime guitarist Brian Bell, who is known to fans as the Hot Weezer, just as Cuomo is famously the Sensitive Weezer, Patrick Wilson is the Funny Weezer, and Scott Shriner is the Shy Weezer. “As far as I’m concerned, wives come and go, but Weezers are forever. And if Rivers doesn’t realize that, then maybe he just doesn’t understand what being a Weezer is all about.” At press time, an increasingly frustrated Bell had reportedly announced plans to split off from the group and pursue projects as a solo Weezer.