Posts from local.theonion.com
Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less PoorPHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind if I used olive oil instead of Crisco shortening and short ribs instead of whatever ‘beef scraps’ are,” said Weppler, adding that because she wasn’t a 19-year-old seamstress feeding a family on two dollars a week in a kitchen without a refrigerator, she might also throw in a few fresh herbs and then create a red wine reduction for flare. “I know nana always said that boiled potatoes were the secret ingredient, but I think I’ll just serve it over fresh egg noodles from the gourmet Italian grocery. Now, I just have to divide the recipe so it doesn’t feed fifteen.” After reviewing all the changes she made, Weppler told reporters that she finally gave in and decided to just print out a copy of Bon Appétit’s “Best Authentic Russian Beef Stroganoff Recipe.”
Hamburger Creeped Out By Eerie Soy Facsimile Of Itself On GrillHARRISBURG, PA—Growing increasingly unnerved by the odd yet familiar patty, a hamburger on local man Bryan Greene’s backyard grill was reportedly creeped out Monday by its eerie soy facsimile cooking nearby on the grate. “My God...we’re so different, and still...so alike,” uttered the meat slab to its double, whose round shape and meat-like consistency resembled its own but whose bizarre, tan exterior sent the most frigid of shivers through its ground-beef body. “We are so similar, our four-minute cooking time, are we not brothers? But what, then, of your unnaturally circular shape? Or the peculiar plastic wrap from which you came? And you had sear marks before ever being set upon the grill. Lord in heaven, what are you?” At press time, the burger froze in horror as it watched the vegetable-based product fail to bleed when it was placed on a bun and cut in half.
All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From PrologueWILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they called Eisenhower the Man from Abilene? That’s the name of the town in Kansas where he grew up,” said Keller who has apparently completed less than 2 percent of acclaimed biographer Jean Edward Smith’s Eisenhower In War And Peace, though he began reading the 976-page volume soon after he purchased it in mid-March of this year. “Ike is a figure who’s always fascinated me, not only because he served as 34th president of the United States, but because he was a five-star general in the Army, a president of Columbia University, and the first supreme commander of NATO. It’s interesting stuff. Oh, and of course you can’t forget Eisenhower had a wife named Mamie.” At press time, sources confirmed that Keller had moved on to recalling fun facts about Eisenhower he had learned from the promotional copy featured on the book’s jacket.1
Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd ControlNEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this great nation by shooting Roman candles into gatherings of protestors,” said Commissioner Dermot F. Shea, telling reporters that the department had a full artillery of stunning pyrotechnics at their disposal with which to subdue suspects. “We’ve already gotten a wonderful response from getting the chance to ooh and ahh at those brilliant plumes of red, white, and blue exploding into the faces of a cluster of marchers. In fact, the officers have been having so much fun, we might make it an annual tradition!” At press time, Shea had been forced to address complaints after an officer was filmed driving over a protester with a star-spangled parade float.1
Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet UnfulfilledNORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was conceived as a city on a hill, yet we’re still generations away from achieving that...1
‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own RelationshipTUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they unknowingly brainstormed the end of their five-year relationship. “We could send out...1
Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area DeathWHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure, unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Trying To Gentrify This NeighborhoodWhen I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s DrunkDENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks big about caring about animals, but after just a few beers, she’s catching a chicken, slitting its throat, and ripping it limb from limb with her teeth,” said close friend Aaron Wright, adding that he has heard enough of Hasting’s interminable lectures about the cruelty of factory farming and the environmental damage caused by meat consumption to smell hypocrisy when he saw her stumble from a bar with a pair of half-dead chickens struggling feebly in her hands. “I’ve seen the boxes of feathers and chicken entrails under her couch, but when I mention it, she just gives me a knowing look and grins at me through the chicken blood. Now, look, obviously I’m fine with that, nothing wrong with decapitating and eating chickens all day every day. It’s her hypocrisy that gets to me.” Hastings has also claimed that she was still meat-free despite taking a “cheat day” once a month to jump the fence at a nearby farm, use a bolt gun on the first cow she came across, and feast on the warm brains and marrow.1
Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead SonREEDSBURG, WI—Working-class father of four and veteran alcoholic James Schultz, 53, expressed deep disappointment Monday in his 19-year-old son Travis, for "turning into a goddamn pothead" after moving away from home to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Woman Needs To Shut Up And Allow Man To Be AllyBOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn’t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off, local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just shut up and let him be an ally to her. “Ericka is great, she really is, but she needs to learn to take a step back so she doesn’t keep getting in my way when I’m trying to support women in the workplace,” said Serra, adding that every time he tried to talk about how professional women had been historically marginalized, Lerado had to pipe up and give everyone her two cents on the subject. “Sometimes I want to shout at her, ‘Hey, listen, I’m here for you! Would you keep your goddamn mouth closed for one second so I can help you?’ I’m one of the few guys in the office who’s in her corner. If she let me get a fucking word in edgewise once in a while, I’d be able to prove it.” At press time, a visibly enraged Serra could be seen balling up his fists after Lerado interrupted his speech about the glass ceiling.1
Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal PrisonCLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit by the lake and think your own thoughts for an afternoon without the rigid structure of penitentiary life,” said convict Jesse Howell, who like his friends claimed that sitting against a tree feeling the breeze in his hair was a nice change from the rat race of roll call, meals, and 15 minutes in the yard. “My pals and I have been planning a trip like this for five to seven years, so it’s nice to finally kick back and bask in the beauty of the natural world. Just look at all these stars—you can’t even see them back at The House, what with the light pollution and the 12 inches of reinforced concrete.” Howell added that despite their efforts to stay “off the grid,” their respite would probably only last a few more days before they were called back to address mundane concerns, such as the three guards they murdered while setting out.1
Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He ReadyRALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to use shampoo, body soap, deodorant, and stuff doesn’t mean I’m ready to do so,” said the high school junior, adding that his girlfriend was one year older and evidently much more experienced when it came to physical hygiene. “Look, I respect women, and I respect her choices as far as bathing and smelling good, but I’m not 100% quite there yet. Maybe when we’re in college I’ll feel ready, but right now, I want to enjoy high school without the pressure of brushing my teeth every day.” Garcia and his girlfriend have reportedly been on a break after he found a back washer in her shower.1
Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He SeesROCKVILLE, MD—Local resident Alan Bower's particular brand of sardonic, no-holds-barred commentary about everything around him has firmly established the 31-year-old policy writer as an absolutely terrible person who is always ready to crack a joke, sources reported Monday.
Slipped Disc Celebrates 10th Year As Excuse For EverythingCHARLOTTE, NC—Friends of 33-year-old Matt Breunich quietly observed the 10th anniversary of his lower-back problem, a chronic condition that has served as an ongoing reason to excuse himself from such diverse activities as taking out the trash, helping friends move, and making love to his girlfriend.