theonion.comGoing To Bed Last Thing Tempurpedic CEO Wants To Think About After Long Day At WorkLEXINGTON, KY—Having spent his past 12 hours embroiled in the daily struggle to bring a relaxing sleep to customers nationwide, Tempurpedic CEO Scott L. Thompson told reporters Wednesday that the last thing he wanted to think about after an exhausting workday was going to bed. “Honestly, after a long day overseeing the production and marketing of ultra-comfortable mattresses, sheets, pillows, and other sleep systems, the last thing I want to do is lie down anywhere, let alone on a bed,” said Thompson, adding that the thought of becoming horizontal or covering himself with fabric puts him on edge after spending an afternoon analyzing the benefits of materials designed to conform to your body and provide custom, cool-to-the-touch comfort. “All day, we’re talking about back support and pressure relief, and then my wife says I have to to come to bed? Sorry, honey. Right now, my Sleep Number is zero.” Thompson further stated he was planning on spending most of the night fully clothed in a standing position.
theonion.comCrowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From CollegeCALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who took seven decades to graduate from college, for Christ’s sake, finally received her diploma. “Esther Marie Goodwyn!” school president Geraldine Jones announced to raucous applause as the lazy woman, who did in 75 years what most people only need four to do, was helped up the steps and guided to the podium. “Congratulations, Esther.” Following the ceremony, Goodwyn gave World War II, raising her children, and caring for her ailing husband as frankly pitiful excuses for why she was unable to receive her diploma on time like a normal person, and reportedly neglected to mention that she is also a grade-A idiot who needed a lifetime to graduate from a school that sure as shit isn’t Harvard.
theonion.comNew Body Negativity Campaign Promotes Idea That Ugliness Comes In All Shapes And SizesNEW YORK—In an effort to challenge conventional societal norms of unattractiveness, a new series of body-negative public service announcements released Wednesday promotes the idea that ugliness comes in all shapes and sizes. “Always remember that whether you’re thin, curvy, tall, short, or anything in between: You are ugly. And ugly is ugly is ugly,” the debut PSA from the “Face It: You’re Hideous” campaign read in part, stressing that one’s race, gender, or body type provided infinite ways to be flawed and therefore unlovable. “It doesn’t matter if you have acne, wide hips, or wrinkles, because that’s the least of your problems—your real unsightliness is inside. And as ugly as you feel, never believe you don’t look even worse. We’re here to tell you that you can, and you do.” The PSA also reminded readers that, if they felt anxious, depressed, or dejected because of their looks, no one blamed them.
theonion.comMeghan Markle’s College Friends Stuck At Table With Sickly Habsburg CousinsWINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins who can’t enunciate while answering a simple question because their enlarged tongues are too big for their mouths,” said Bethany Parrish, who, along with two other Northwestern alumnae, spent the reception awkwardly conversing with the gaunt, severely deformed descendants of the House of Habsburg discussing royal lineage, genetic disorders, and vacationing in Bohemia. “I get that we’re not the most important people at this wedding, but come on! The cross-eyed one—Rudolph XVI, I think—keeps putting his hand on that bald woman’s thigh, and they definitely mentioned they were siblings.” At press time, Parrish’s attempt to break the tension by inviting the cousins to the dance floor had failed after several collapsed from iron deficiency midway through “Uptown Funk.”
theonion.comQueen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJsLONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters Thursday she hopes to die before having to knight any DJs. “God willing, I’ll pass away long before I’m ever called upon to bestow an honorary knighthood on Calvin Harris or Grooverider,” said the queen, adding that she would rather be entombed in the royal burial grounds than endure a ceremony in which she grants the highest honor in the British Empire to any club DJ in recognition of their contributions to dubstep, electro house, big beat, trip-hop, dance pop, or nu-funk. “It’s only a matter of time before the requests to knight all these trance and rave DJs start pouring in. I just pray I’m a goner and worms are eating away at my decaying corpse, because there’s simply no way I’m saying ‘I dub thee Sir Jackmaster.’” The queen went on to confirm that the complete collapse of the British monarchy was far more preferable than any member of the British Royal Family having to knight Fatboy Slim.
theonion.comRoyal Wedding Photographer Feeling Pretty Guilty About Time He Ran Princess Di Off RoadWINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing the Princess, her companion Dodi Fayed, and their driver. “I don’t think the Royal Family recognizes me, but I don’t think I’m imagining the awkwardness in here,” said Kelly, simultaneously requesting that Harry take a half step to the left and vividly recalling the relentless pursuit of his mother’s limousine through the streets of Paris, as well as the Mercedes’ sickening impact on the concrete column during the harsh bursts of his camera’s flash. “I have to keep telling myself it’s been 21 years now. It’s most likely just water under the bridge. Either way, one thing that hasn’t changed is that I’m still a professional—I put my feelings aside, show up, snap some photos, and move on to the next gig.” Kelly concluded the session soon afterwards upon overhearing Prince Harry remark that he looked rather familiar.
theonion.comFor-Profit College Hastily Designs Diploma For Student On Verge Of Actually GraduatingPRESCOTT, AZ—Admitting that the fourth-year criminal justice major had caught them completely off-guard, administrators at for-profit college Chapman Technical University were scrambling to design and print a diploma to award a student who was actually on the verge of graduating, sources said Wednesday. “Oh, my God, this guy is just three credits away from actually completing our graduation requirements—we should probably have some kind of certificate ready, right?” said student services coordinator Amanda Lenoch, noting that no one had made it this far in the school’s bachelor’s degree program before as she hurriedly scrolled through her word-processing program for any diploma templates. “Jeez, what’s on these things? I suppose we should probably have our name and logo on there, and I guess his name, too. Something in Latin, maybe? I have no idea. Man, I’m making at least five copies of this thing in case any more of these people come out of nowhere.” At press time, representatives from the school were reportedly scrambling to find someone at the college’s offices with some sort of academic qualifications to sign the diploma.
theonion.comPrince Harry Shows Guest To Air Mattress In Corner Of Windsor CastleWINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too firm, but keep in mind it’ll probably deflate a bit overnight,” the soon-to-be-wed Prince told his guest, handing him a single faded towel and adding that the closest bathroom could be found in the stables nearest the George IV gateway on the far side of the 13-acre estate grounds. “I’ll give your name to the Queen’s Guards, they shouldn’t bother you in the least. There’s no password on the WiFi, and, oh, yes—if you wouldn’t mind just tucking your suitcase and stuff against the wall during the daytime? The tours come through to see this portrait of the Earl of Shaftesbury. Thanks awfully for coming. We’re so glad you could make it.” Harry later sent a courier with a note to inform Hayweather that if he found his current spot got too much sunlight, he should feel free to move the mattress to the crypt beneath St. George’s Chapel.
theonion.comU.S. Military Defends Controversial Decision To Test Kilauea Volcano On Hawaiian CiviliansWASHINGTON—Explaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. “The defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as last month, we lacked a comprehensive practical understanding of the costs, side effects, and ultimate strategic advantages of deploying the Kilauea volcano in a real-world environment,” said U.S. Air Force General and Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Paul Selva, who declared the launch of the top-secret, $65 billion military project as an unequivocal success. “We anticipated that the residents of Hawaii would be frustrated with the number of homes destroyed by lava and the amount of volcanic ash particles in the air, but those who would denounce this vital military initiative need to remember that Hawaii is actually sparsely populated and far more isolated relative to other potential test areas. From a military perspective, Project Kilauea Eruption is now ready for frontline use in future conflicts, so in the long run, volcanic tests on American citizens are part of our very real commitment to protecting American lives.” Pentagon sources disclosed that the Kilauea project was fast-tracked after recent seismic activity in North Korea suggested that they were developing several volcanoes of their own.
theonion.com‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensSANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Erica Webb, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
theonion.comHands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological IssuesBOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own psychological disorders. “It’s natural to want to help them as much as you can, but eventually you have to step back and give them the freedom to create their own hang-ups, issues, and complexes,” said the 37-year-old mother of three, explaining that she wants her children to be independent enough to think debilitating and self-defeating thoughts for themselves. “I’m not going to hover over my kids all the time just to make sure they have all the same anxieties I do. They need to have space to find their own obsessive-compulsive disorders, codependent relationship patterns, and addictive personality traits. After all, I won’t always be around to reinforce their pathological behaviors.” Eakins said she was impressed by her children’s progress thus far, as all three had already developed their own acute mother-child relational disorders.
theonion.comDepartment Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres As National Wildfire RefugeWASHINGTON—Designating the area a protected space where the blazes could thrive in their natural habitat, the Department of Interior announced Wednesday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land as a National Wildfire Refuge. “This reserve will act as a sanctuary for our country’s precious wildfires and help safeguard them for generations to come,” said Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who authorized the sectioning off of a large swath of dry grassland and coniferous forest in Southern California that was deemed an ideal location for wildfires to thrive. “Now these magnificent infernos can roam freely without the threat of interference or extinguishment from humans. While we cannot bring back the many wildfires that have already been recklessly doused in water or chemical foam, we can offer a safe haven to those that remain and a chance to flourish once again.” At press time, the wildfire population was rapidly rebounding, and the Interior Department was hastily expanding the refuge by an additional 25,000 acres.
theonion.comMan’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout MachineSIOUX FALLS, SD—Admitting that he basically just stands there until one of the stations starts blaring “unexpected item in bagging area,” local supermarket employee Andy Berenson reported Wednesday that his entire job consists of undoing the handiwork of the store’s self-checkout machines. “My whole shift is pretty much spent asking people to step aside as I swipe my employee card and clean up whatever mess the machine’s gotten itself into,” said Berenson, acknowledging that he is paid solely to assist frustrated shoppers whose items won’t scan correctly or fail to trigger the machine’s electronic scale, or whose rewards cards don’t register with the system. “Sometimes I have to coach a customer through the payment process or enter in a code just to let the transaction continue, but half the time I end up having to tell people to use a different machine because the one they’re using froze up.” Berenson went on to say that the sole purpose of the store’s manager appeared to be approving any transaction involving alcohol.
theonion.comReport: Ocean Levels Could Rise Foot Or More If Lots Of People Go SwimmingSILVER SPRING, MD—Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sounded a strong warning about rising seas Monday, saying that ocean levels around the world are projected to increase by 12 inches or more should a bunch of people go swimming at the same time. “According to our latest analysis, an increase in global mean sea level of several inches is inevitable at this point given the approach of summer beach season, when millions of people will simultaneously go for a swim,” said oceanographer Paul Acosta at a press conference, adding that the increase could be “significantly higher” than currently predicted if lots of beachgoers choose to hold their breath and go under all the way. “Coastal cities and low-lying islands are the most vulnerable to rising sea levels, particularly if it’s not just kids who go for a dip, but full-grown adults as well. Our best hope now is moderating the rise as much as we can by convincing people to only wade in up to their waists.” Acosta also warned about the devastating possibilities of catastrophic tsunamis should everyone jump into the ocean together from a dock or off the side of a boat.