theonion.com‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The PeopleIn recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely and securely practice their craft, The Onion announces that we proudly stand with our brothers and sisters in the media as the enemy of the people.
theonion.comChurch Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian ChantROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft, syllabic chant, everyone was tilting their heads slightly forward, and by the time it kicks in with the line ‘Lord, wash our sinful stains away,’ the whole congregation’s going nuts,” said local textile merchant Pietro de Volterra, who, after hearing the new chant at the Basilica of Santa Maria del Popolo, described it as the wildest craze to hit his parish since the chaplain Wipo of Burgundy’s “Victimae Paschali Laudes” was released back in the 11th century. “The melody never repeats, but somehow by the time they reached the ‘To Thy sweet yoke our stiff necks bow’ part, we were all singing along. We were so worked up that a few of the women appeared to faint from excitement, though of course that may simply have been the result of another typhoid outbreak.” At press time, reports confirmed de Volterra and his fellow congregants were punishing themselves for the pleasure they took in the music with a vigorous round of self-flagellation.
theonion.comNew Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive SystemANN ARBOR, MI—Giving customers the ability to keep tabs on their order through every step of the process, Domino’s Pizza announced Tuesday the release of a new app that lets users track the progress of their food as it moves through the human digestive system. “After you take that first mouthwatering bite of Domino’s pizza, just log into our app on your smartphone or tablet to get updates on how your meal is progressing from ingestion, to digestion, to absorption, to elimination from the body,” Domino’s CEO J. Patrick Doyle said of the app that can reportedly provide users with real-time alerts when a food item has reached their pharynx, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, colon, rectum, or anus. “When you order from Domino’s, you don’t have to sit around wondering when your pizza or cheesy bread is going to arrive at its ultimate destination. As soon as you swallow, there’s a timer and a status bar that provides a detailed description of exactly where your food is and what’s happening to it.” According to company officials, Domino’s guarantees its deliveries will pass through you in 30 minutes or less.
theonion.comNASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be ThereWASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however, it’s just something you had to see for yourself,” said head researcher Laurel Devantez, trying in vain to describe not only the innovative fruits of their labor, but also the incomparable feeling of witnessing such a breakthrough come to light alongside her closest NASA colleagues. “We all definitely grew closer after experiencing this all together as a team. It completely upended our entire understanding of the material universe, but we tried explaining it to some other scientists and they were clearly just acting like they got it.” At press time, the NASA scientists were annoying other researchers by cracking up about inside terminology that could only be understood by those who knew the details of the discovery.
theonion.comStudy Finds That All The Worst People Will Outlive YouATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say that every single one of the most amoral, self-centered, and all-around corrosive human beings on planet Earth will enjoy longer lives than those who try to be decent and think of others, such as you,” said lead researcher Brian Cunningham, emphasizing that each and every selfish prick, conniving asshole, and abusive shithead currently drawing breath will statistically enjoy a life expectancy up to 12 years longer than yours as long as they continue to act in their own interest without regard to the damage they inflict on others or society. “It appears that not conforming to accepted standards of morality or considering the effects one’s actions have on others are huge stress reducers. Therefore, acting like a total fucker actually extends the lifespans of awful individuals—and, unfortunately, it seems that there is nothing you can do to enjoy this same longevity and still remain a tolerable human being. After studying factors such as a healthy diet, the pursuit of invigorating physical and mental activities, maintaining long friendships, and just being a good and decent person to your fellow man, we have to conclude that every despicable egocentric piece of shit will outlive you and age better and more gracefully than you.” Cunningham added that, considering the daily physical and emotional strain you place on yourself in the pursuit of common decency, giving up and becoming a borderline sociopath may be the only way you will live to see 60.
theonion.comReport: Statistically Speaking There’s Decent Chance Pope Francis Molested SomeoneVATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged in sexual acts with children, we really can’t say for sure that, during his long and storied career in the Catholic Church, His Holiness never engaged in the sexual predation of a young boy or boys,” the document read in part, noting that with the additional 1,000 cases of molestation recently uncovered in Pennsylvania, the odds of any given Catholic clerical figure being implicated in some manner of sexual abuse was rapidly approaching certainty. “When considered as a purely mathematical problem, it would be rather surprising if the Vicar of Christ was innocent of the type of abuse rampant within the church. He’s already known to associate with these people, since sheer numbers indicate he must do so while overseeing an organization that willingly employs thousands of them. And even in the statistically unlikely scenario that he personally molested no children, it’s a lead-pipe cinch that Pope Francis helped cover up child sexual abuse at some level.” The authors of the study, a group of cardinals responsible for monitoring and reporting on corruption within the church, were unavailable for comment as they were arrested Wednesday morning on charges of sexually abusing several preteen boys after manipulating them with alcohol.
theonion.comFDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly UsedSILVER SPRING, MD—In its largest study of safe dietary practices to date, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that when used correctly, food is successful in preventing hunger approximately 98 percent of the time. “After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time,” said FDA spokesman Ken Simmons, who during a press conference demonstrated the proper usage of food with a banana. “Granted, there’s no 100-percent foolproof way to avoid getting hungry, but we can make a huge difference by ensuring people know the facts: that food can’t be reused once it’s been eaten, that the outer wrapping must be removed first, and that they should always check the expiration date.” Simmons went on to commend the many U.S. schools that offer free meals to students, but warned that they would be ineffective without proper instruction on when and how to eat them.
theonion.comArby’s Releases Barbara Bush Tribute Edition Curly FriesSANDY SPRINGS, GA—In an effort to honor the widely admired first lady, fast-casual chain Arby’s announced Wednesday that they’re releasing special edition curly fries packaged in a carton with the late Barbara Bush’s face alongside the words “In Remembrance” written tastefully in cursive. “We’re excited today to pay tribute to America’s beloved idol by adding Barbara Bush Memorial Curly Fries for a limited time only to our iconic ‘Friends Of Meat’ sides menu,” spokesperson Lauren Davis said of the item, which will be seasoned with a special blend of smoked paprika, spicy BBQ, and Old Bay as an homage to the 92-year-old’s zesty wit. “When we heard about her passing, we knew we had to fire up the grill and pay tribute. And that’s just what we did, creating a delicious, crave-able add-on just as dynamic and fulfilling as the long, beautiful life led by our favorite presidential wife and mother.” Davis added that customers of the fast-casual chain can look forward to pairing the fries with the upcoming George H.W. Bush Memorial Dipping Sauce, which will be hitting stores very soon.
theonion.comBiblical Scholars Find Evidence Church Covered Up For 3 Wise Men Who Molested Baby JesusCAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering fragments of a previously unknown gospel, we now have textual documentation that clearly delineates abuse by three magi who arrived in Bethlehem and inappropriately touched the newborn Christ Child as He lay in the manger,” said Professor Raymond White, recounting the extensive efforts made by the church to scrub the story from early versions of the Bible and to discredit Jesus’ account of the event in His later sermons. “As described in newly discovered scraps of papyrus dating back nearly 2,000 years, these three magi were powerful men of great influence. Whatever moments of weakness or temptation they may have exhibited on that first Christmas morning, the early church must have seen fit to protect their reputations against any accusation from the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who were, after all, very poor.” White went on to note that additional passages from the text explain how the three wise men were quietly relocated and allowed to continue their work in a remote village in Persia.
theonion.comCouple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple ReportsOAKLAND, CA—Emphasizing that they, too, were a couple, local couple John and Kendra Wilkins suggested to couple Peter and McKenzie Kerns on Monday that the two couples get dinner together sometime, the couple confirmed. “We are a couple and you are also a couple, so we should go to dinner together as two couples,” the couple recommended to the other couple, noting that the two couples could also go out to drinks together or meet with a third couple. “We can update you on what we’ve been doing as a couple and you can update us on what you’ve been doing as a couple, and if our experiences overlap, we can discuss how we enjoyed our experiences as a couple relative to how you enjoyed your experiences as a couple. At the end of the dinner, we can talk about how nice it is to socialize with other couples, suggest getting together as couples again soon, and leave in our respective coupled pairings.” At press time, the couples confirmed plans to retain their mutual bond as couples until one couple became parents, at which point they would fall out of touch until the other couple became parents, and then they would all agree to meet up and socialize as parents.