theonion.comViewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral ReefsBETTENDORF, IA—Saying he had no plans to challenge anything set forth in the hour-long nature program, television viewer Adam Canales reported Monday that he was fully prepared to believe whatever the documentary Darkness Below: Ocean Life On The Brink told him about coral reefs. “I don’t know a single thing about coral reefs, so I’m perfectly okay with buying wholesale whatever this documentary has to say on the topic,” said Canales, who noted that he was 100 percent ready to accept any and all facts and figures presented to him about coral, adding that anything the program’s narrator had to say regarding the threats facing these aquatic ecosystems was “good enough for [him].” “Are they dying off from a rise in ocean temperatures? Are they thriving? Are they home to some of the most diverse life forms on the planet? Great. Whatever this documentary tells me, I’m on board.” Canales added that he was also “perfectly fine” with the idea of blindly adopting whatever social position relating to coral reefs was posed by the documentary and reciting it to other people verbatim.
theonion.comSeaWorld Café Introduces New 5-Pound Orca Burger–Eating ChallengeSAN DIEGO—Inviting guests to “bring a big appetite” with them the next time they visit, SeaWorld officials announced Tuesday that for a limited time the marine theme park’s café will be offering a 5-Pound Orca Burger Challenge. “Stop in today and see if you have what it takes to polish off five freshly flame-broiled pounds of killer-whale meat served on a homemade bun with your choice of delicious toppings,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Lisa Doyle, adding that participants will be given 45 minutes to eat the giant ground orca patty and a side of blubber-battered fries, both of which will be prepared from scratch on site. “Anyone who can finish this whale of a sandwich within the time limit will get their picture on our Wall of Fame and, while supplies last, a free ‘I ate the big one at SeaWorld’ T-shirt!” Doyle stated that those who do not partake in the orca-burger challenge would still be able to enjoy the restaurant’s other new menu items, including baskets of curly dorsal fins and any cooked-to-order selection they pick from the choose-your-own-dolphin tank.
theonion.comUber Hires Marketing Firm To Help Decrease Brand AwarenessSAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to simultaneously improve and diminish public perception of the ride-sharing company, Uber announced the hiring of a top marketing and consulting firm Tuesday to help decrease awareness of their brand. “We’re poised on the cusp of a major IPO, so the last thing we need is our remarkably troubled name on people’s lips. By working with some of the world’s sharpest marketing minds, we’re confident we can make people less aware of our business practices, disappear from the news cycle, and completely tamp down on word of mouth,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi in what industry observers say may have been a counterproductive public statement. “We want people to forget the all-too-frequent reports about our company’s corrosive culture and predatory business practices, so we’ve pulled all of our active ad campaigns and asked that our drivers remove the Uber medallion from their windshields. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Remember this: Our goal is to effectively eliminate all awareness of the fact that we even exist, and you can quote me on that.” The marketing firm, which is said to be a top-five East Coast agency but is taking great pains not to be identified, has already redesigned Uber’s logo to feature a completely blank space.
theonion.comMan Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There SomewhereRIVERSIDE, CA—Saying that if he keeps searching then the right one is bound to come along sooner or later, 28-year-old local man Carter Ecklund told reporters Tuesday he is confident the perfect dating app is waiting for him somewhere. “I know it might sound naïve, but I really do believe there’s an online dating service out there that was meant for me,” said Ecklund, adding that he remains undiscouraged by the fact that, while many of his friends have already found websites or downloadable apps that seem to make them happy, he himself has struggled to find an internet matchmaking program he feels truly compatible with. “I’ve been with a lot of great sites in the past—one of my subscriptions even lasted more than a year—but for one reason or another they just never seemed to work out. My friends are always telling me there are plenty of dating services out there that would be lucky to have me. It gets frustrating, but I know I just need to keep looking.” At press time, an excited Ecklund informed reporters that he was recently introduced to an online dating site that he could really see himself spending the rest of his life with.
theonion.comGuard In Video Game Under Strict Orders To Repeatedly Pace Same Stretch Of HallwaySIBERIA—Stressing that the edict had come down from the top commanders within the Russian military complex, a video game guard told reporters Tuesday that he was under strict orders to repeatedly pace the same stretch of hallway. “I was given specific instructions to continually walk down this 50-foot corridor, pause for a few moments at the end to inspect the wall, turn around very slowly, and return to the opposite end of the hallway, without ever straying from this routine,” said the guard, who reportedly complied fully with additional orders to leave his back exposed to several key air ducts and unlocked doors that could be accessed from outside the base. “It’s of the utmost importance to this compound’s security and the success of the mission that I closely follow the directive and never stray from my commanding officer’s explicit instructions. After all, if I shirk my duty in any way, an intruder could easily enter the next room, where one of my comrades is walking down an identical hallway in the opposite direction.” At press time, the guard had reportedly continued to follow protocol by shouting, “What was that?” at a disturbance, looking around in concern for several seconds, and then continuing on his way.
theonion.comGreenhouse Gas Emissions Declined 3% Under TrumpAn EPA report found that harmful greenhouses gas emissions declined during President Trump’s first year in office due to the cheaper cost of natural gas, although critics say they may rise again due to market forces and changed emissions regulations. What do you think?
theonion.comPoll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every DayNEW YORK—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Friday, only 83 percent of New York City’s population—or barely 7 million residents—visit and tour the Statue of Liberty daily. “We were surprised to find that nearly one in five New Yorkers do not set aside several hours each day to ride a ferry to Liberty Island, snap pictures around and within Lady Liberty, and listen to lectures by park rangers on the statue’s history and cultural significance,” said Gallup demographer Lindsay Abraham, adding that although the majority of New York citizens wake up before work to visit the Statue of Liberty’s crown each weekday morning, most only take in the view for a maximum of 40 minutes before leaving. “Perhaps most interestingly, residents of the New York metropolitan area tend to spend a mere five hours every week watching Statue of Liberty–related documentaries in the island’s information center and museum. It may be for this reason that the purchase of gift shop items such as Statue of Liberty–themed T-shirts, snow globes, and novelty hats accounts for a mere $4,800 annually out of the average New Yorker’s pocket.” Abraham added that researchers were further shocked to discover that barely three-fourths of New York residents could recite from memory the entire Emma Lazarus poem “The New Colossus” mounted inside the statue’s pedestal.
theonion.comReport Finds One In Five Americans Struggle With Properly Masking DepressionWASHINGTON—Warning that the problem was even more widespread than previous studies had indicated, a new report published Tuesday in the journal American Psychologist found that one in five Americans struggle with properly masking depression. “According to our research, roughly 20 percent of the population has trouble effectively covering up their feelings of severe despondency and dejection by just acting like everything is fine,” said the report’s lead author, Dr. Lauren McKenny, adding that these individuals showed a marked inability to even pretend that they were excited to be awake and alive. “While most Americans are naturally adept at suppressing their emotions in order to put on a happy face for the rest of the world, we estimate that one-fifth of adults are completely at a loss as to how to lock away their constant sense of sadness and self-loathing so that no one else sees it. In especially severe cases, they may talk openly with friends or family about their depression, even going so far as to acknowledge seeking treatment for it.” McKenny went on to say that she hoped the report’s findings would lead to new medications to help these individuals better suppress their darkest, most painful thoughts while interacting with others.
theonion.comStudy Finds Placing One Foot Forward, Then The Other, Remains Best Method Of WalkingITHACA, NY—Confirming long-held suspicions surrounding bipedal commuting, researchers at Cornell University published a study Monday that found stepping forward with one foot, followed by taking the subsequent step with the other foot and then repeating the sequence as necessary, remains the best method of walking by a large margin. “Our findings show that 99.9 percent of respondents strongly preferred putting one foot forward, usually but not necessarily while moving an opposing arm in conjunction, compared to other methods such as moving both feet forward at once, moving only a single foot forward indefinitely while the other is dragged behind, or taking a series of three quick hops before jumping in the air and spinning completely around while clicking their heels together,” said lead researcher Dr. Hirokazu Miyazaki of the department of biomedical engineering, who used motion-tracking sensors to monitor the gait structures and motive rhythms of more than 1,400 participants during the course of the 18-year, $26.5 million study. “While techniques such as dragging your knuckles on the ground and effecting a sort of mild gallop will certainly take a person from point A to point B, our research proves all such alternative methods are far less efficient than the conventional approach of placing one foot in front of the other.” In a related report, researchers at Marquette University have found that closing one’s eyes and then quickly reopening them remains the most effective method of blinking.
theonion.comGap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The WorldPARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of mankind's creations."
theonion.comNew Report Confirms You Are Most Interesting, Most Important Individual On EarthCHAPEL HILL, NC—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at the University of North Carolina confirmed widely held assumptions that you are the most significant and interesting person currently inhabiting the earth.
theonion.comStudy Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying ThemselvesBOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying themselves.
theonion.comReport: More U.S. Families Living With Multiple Generations Of Xbox Under One RoofWASHINGTON—Calling the trend a reflection of the nation’s changing social and economic landscape, a report released Friday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that more U.S. families are living with multiple generations of Xbox under one roof. “According to our survey data, over the past decade we have seen a dramatic rise in the number of American households that contain two or even three generations of consoles,” said the report’s author, Sean Corfield, adding that, in many cases, citizens reported that their Xbox, Xbox 360, and Xbox One all share the same room. “The vast majority of Americans we surveyed described feeling an obligation to continue caring for their older consoles as they age, even as they continue to welcome new generations into their homes. At the same time, more Americans are also finding themselves trying to free space in their basement after their Xbox 360 returns home from college.” While Corfield acknowledged that it might be difficult finding enough television inputs to go around, an overwhelming number of survey respondents said that having an extra Xbox in their home was enormously helpful when it comes to raising their kids.
theonion.comMother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ CorrectlyPATERSON, NJ—Family sources told reporters Tuesday that local mother Karen Burkhart came fairly close to using the term “streaming” correctly during a recent conversation. “She likes that Orange Is The New Black show and told us that she started ‘stream-watching’ a couple of episodes,” said daughter Melanie Burkhart, who was reportedly surprised by her mother’s nearly accurate usage of the technical jargon. “I thought, wow, she actually got really close to the actual meaning of the word. She almost nailed it. And this is the woman who asked if the internet was as good as the online. It’s certainly the most precise she’s been in a long time.” At press time, Burkhart’s children decided to give it to her, claiming that she got close enough.