Posts from theonion.com
Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay PeacefulLOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10 million on this sick tank and you expect we’ll just let people stand there chanting?” said LAPD chief Michael Moore, adding there was “no way in hell” that the department would let something like peaceful demonstrations stop them from making use of the vehicle’s “totally tricked-out” weapons system, armor, and ability to ram through virtually everything in its path. “I mean, the city wouldn’t buy a teacher a pencil and then tell them not to use it, right? This is the kind of hardware you just can’t let sit gathering dust—same with the grenade launchers, drones, and tear gas. We have whole storage bays full of projectiles and we’re supposed to just not use them? Get real. They wouldn’t give us all this killer stuff if we weren’t supposed to have a little fun.” LAPD officials added that the city’s residents deserved to witness the full scope of all the badass shit their tax dollars could do.
9 Things Introverts Do All The TimeIntroverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview with actor Mark Ruffalo.
Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too LateCAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities throughout the day occur at a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or, conversely, unbearably late,” said lead researcher Rory DeWitt, confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon in the morning, whereas 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period. “Basically, each day has a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as a generally acceptable time for a scheduled event to occur, though even that varies wildly depending on the participants involved and what they were doing the night before.” DeWitt added that, based on the results of the study, he would strongly recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all.
Study Finds It Would Be Extremely Satisfying To Have Intercourse With An A-List CelebrityBOULDER, CO—Providing groundbreaking new insight into human sexuality, a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that if a person were to engage in intercourse with an A-list celebrity, the experience would be extremely satisfying. “Over the course of our inquiry, we concluded that having intimate sexual relations with, for example, Rihanna, would result in a marked improvement in one’s general mood and overall sense of well-being,” said Professor Liza Mulbin, explaining that the euphoric effect that comes from sex with a top-tier celebrity one has seen on television or in films can likely be attributed to the fact that such individuals are very attractive, very famous, and very rich. “It would, in all likelihood, be the best feeling ever. Our analysis also shows that, given how often celebrities like Ryan Gosling, Selena Gomez, and the Hemsworth brothers have sex, they are probably incredible at it. In addition, a degree of status is conferred upon anyone who has sex with a major star, as they are forever known within their social group as the one who had sex with Drake or Kristen Stewart.” Mulbin added that even in the worst-case scenario, in which a person contracts an incurable STI from an A-list celebrity, the accompanying sexual gratification would still “totally be worth it.”
Fed Chairman Downloads Budgeting App To Help Manage Nation’s EconomyWASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county’s finances and lower spending, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation’s economy. “In order to better oversee our $20 trillion GDP, I’ve signed up for a free trial of Mint on the app store,” said Powell, adding that the easy budget app would help ensure maximum economic efficiency by sending him a notification whenever the nation overspends on infrastructure or misses a debt payment to China. “I’m using the free version, which means there’s a bunch of annoying ads, but I’m willing to deal with that for the betterment of our country. I’ve only been using it a few days, and we’ve already managed to save millions of dollars on defense spending.” At press time, Powell had started cutting up all the nation’s credit cards.
‘Mommy Had To Go To The Hospital Today’ Starts Instagram Chihuahua’s Darkest Post To DatePHOENIX—Assuring followers that she’d be back to giving kisses and belly rubs in no time, Instagram Chihuahua tootsie_the_derp reportedly started his darkest social media post to date Thursday with the caption “mommy had to go to the hospital today.” “Many of you remember how scared mommy was when I ate a sock and had to go into emergency surgery, but today, I’m the one with my tail between my legs,” said the surprisingly emotional 500-word post, which explained to the bug-eyed, toothless dog’s roughly 12,000 followers that it was a very tough time for the “derp pack,” and any and all prayers, “doggy or human,” would be greatly appreciated. “Five years ago, mommy saved me and my twin brother Tito from a shelter in Paradise Valley, and since then, she’s been booping our noses every night before we go to bed to prevent the nightmare fairy from bringing us bad doggie dreams! But last night, Tito and I had to sleep in her bed alone. Mommy, please come home soon. Daddy’s trying his best, but his homemade banana treats just don’t taste the same as yours!” At press time, tootsie_the_derp had posted a follow-up post explaining that all sales from Tootsie’s new line of collars and doggie sweaters would go towards mommy’s medical expenses.
Grease Fire Rages Through MidwestMILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.
Today's Neo-Nazis Have No Respect For TraditionThe other week, I read that the founder of the National Vanguard is in the clink for having child pornography in his computer. What is going on with today's white nationalists? Here it is, 2007, and global Aryan supremacy is no closer to becoming a reality than it was 60 years ago. I lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of this new generation. These kids today are making a disgrace of neo-Nazism.
WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ FacesGENEVA—In an effort to prepare people for the “new normal” of life under the continuing threat of Covid-19, the World Health Organization issued a warning Thursday indicating the contagion could make blowing water through a pool noodle into your friends’ faces a relic of the past. “The use of a long foam tube to squirt liquid into the eyes, ears, or mouths of an unsuspecting fellow swimmer is, unfortunately, an efficient vehicle for spreading disease, and so we must accept that the novel coronavirus could mark the end of this cherished summertime ritual,” a statement from the agency read in part, clarifying that even if participants were fitted with personal protective equipment and prescreened with infrared thermometers, it was unlikely that blasting your sister’s suntanning friends with pool water would ever again be a safe activity. “While the playful gesture is deeply engrained in our social experience on a global scale, it is difficult to imagine that we will ever again inhabit a world in which we hear a buddy laughingly say, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ while water splashes across his face, or in which we reply ‘Dude, we’re just having a good time, why do you have to be a dick?’ As such, it is essential we begin readying ourselves for a future in which pool noodles are used solely as flotation devices.” The statement went on to indicate WHO was still working on guidelines to determine whether squishing your palms together on the surface of the pool to make a small stream shoot out would suffer a similar fate.
God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s WifeTHE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and everything I’ve taken from you,” wrote the Lord Almighty in a heartfelt note signed by several archangels that arrived at Harris’ home the evening after his wife lost a lengthy and painful battle with stage four nodular lymphoma. “After all that you have been through last year with Me taking your parents, I’m sure what you’re experiencing feels unbearable. But know that everything you and your remaining family has suffered is part of My divine plan. Thinking of you in this difficult time.” Sources confirmed that God went on to append a postscript assuring Harris that his wife was in a far better place with Him.
CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson FamilyNEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close, tightly knit, utterly devoted cadre of loyal followers who take my every word as absolute authority,” said the executive, claiming the bonds he shared with his workers weren’t unlike those of a fanatical commune of brainwashed zealots. “We’ve got all the typical Manson Family dynamics. I’m the paternal figure who keeps his subordinates in a stupor of exhaustion and confusion in order to make them particularly malleable to his twisted whims. Alice Fendelman is our parallel to Squeaky Fromme, who uses the pretense of taking care of the family members to ensure no one acts against the family interests—naturally, she’s our HR director. As for the rest, I have no doubt they’d kill for me if asked, seeing as I stripped them of their individual humanity long ago.” Vanders added that he originally started his company to punish his underlings and the world at large for his lack of artistic success.